The Good News Is....

Have you heard these statements before?

"50% of all marriages end in divorce."

"The divorce rate within the church is no different than that of the general public."

"Marriage is HARD."

These so-called facts paint a pretty bleak picture of the state of marriage in our society. No wonder so many people are discouraged and giving up on the idea of healthy marriage relationships. The GOOD news is, those statistics are faulty.

Book cover for "The Good News About Marriage"

Last week several of us had the privilege of hearing Harvard graduate, analyst and author Shaunti Feldhahn speak at the D6 Conference on family ministry. She brought a message about restoring HOPE in relationships based on her social research. Her book titled The Good News About Marriage goes into detail about her findings. You can find it here: http://www.christianbook.com/

Over 12 years of research, Shaunti has discovered that one common denominator in whether a marriage survives or fails- or whether a couple even gets married to begin with- is whether the couple has a sense of hope or a sense of futility.

"If a struggling couple believes 'Yeah, this is tough, but we're going to make it,' they usually do. But once people start to think otherwise, they all too soon employ the logic of futility: if the ship is going to sink anyway, why bother working hard to bail it out? That poisonous doubt- which is really about the possibility of marriage working in general- gets into our minds years before we approach the altar."

A young couple, full of of hope!

We, and our society, need to be reminded that a lifelong, abundant, joyous marriage is possible!  From her experience, here are a few things Shaunti wants you to know:

• The most depressing statistics we hear floating around about divorce (such as that ominous 50% rate) are not even close to true.  According to the census bureau, 71% of people are still married to their first spouse. The 29% who are not even includes those who were married until a spouse died. No one exactly knows the divorce rate, but in all likelihood, it is much closer to 25%. And millennials- those most scared away from marriage to bein with- have an even lower rate of divorce than their parents at the same ages. 
• Church attendance matters! The fact that you're sitting in church today, in community with other with other believers, means you're doing something to help strengthen relationships. Those who regularly attend church DO have a lower divorce rate. In her book, Shaunti goes into detail on that often quoted but misunderstood Barna research study about the rate of divorce of those in church. She later partnered with the Barna group to re-run the numbers together. They found that regular church attendance lowers the divorce rate anywhere from 25-50%.
• Happy marriages are the RULE not the EXCEPTION! We've gotten into a bad habit of using phrases like "marriage is HARD!" Think about it- that's not exactly the best advertisement for future generations, is it? The fact is, although marriages certainly have issues to work on, most people, about 80%, truly enjoy being married. Let's change the message to "Marriage takes hard work, and it's worth every bit!" 
• Little things make a big difference. Although some marriages are broken up by "big ticket" issues, such as forms of abuse or serious depression, many more are affected by misunderstanding. Two spouses who love each other but may be working hard in the wrong areas, or hurting one other without intending to. Getting help and seeking to make seemingly minor changes can have a big impact. 
• Commitment is powerful. If couples stick together through the tough times, 80% report being happy together 5 years later. If you're going through a rough patch right now, that should be great news!

Jack and Alice B., my grandparents, smooching on their 50th anniversary.

No matter what you're relationship status is today, I hope that you will be encouraged. There is HOPE. A great marriage IS possible!

*The research and quotes from this article are summarized from Shaunti Feldhahn's talk at the D6 Conference on September 17, 2015 and from an article, "Restoring Hope for Marriages In the Next Generation-and the Current One!" in the D6 Conference booklet.

Love WELL

After listening to the news the past few weeks and feeling discouraged, I wrote in my journal “sometimes being a Christian feels like walking around with a broken heart." My heart hurts for others and for this world, which is in so much pain. I am reminded of how big the problems are and how small I am. Some days my prayers end with a sigh and pleading, “come, Lord Jesus”.

BUT, as believers we know that the pain here is not the end of the story, and we rejoice in that! God has already won the battle! He calls each and every one of us to play our part, to deny ourselves, take up our cross daily and follow Him as He works in the world around us. Some days I’m still left with the lingering practical question, though, “what can I do?” to help change this hurting world?

Several years ago I heard Fred Luter, the first African-American president of the Southern Baptist Convention, speak to this issue. Although I can’t quote him exactly, here was his point:

If you want to change the world, change the nation

If you want to change the nation, change the state

If you want to change the state, change the cities,

If you want to change the cities, change the schools,

If you want to change the schools, change the homes.

Starting at home, at work, within our spheres of influence seems like the logical place.

So pause and think with me a bit today:

Who has God put in your path that needs hope?

Where can you intentionally nurture healthy relationships, or offer encouragement someone who needs it today?

What causes has God put specifically on your heart?

Dr. Wes Stafford, former President and CEO of Compassion International, whose career has brought him into contact with countless children, says that he sees every interaction he has with a child as a divine appointment. Have you ever thought about that? Something as simple as smiling at that squirming toddler strapped in a grocery cart (or maybe at the frazzled mom) as a divine appointment? Playing laser tag with a teenager? In his book Too Small to Ignore, Dr. Stafford contends that the time has come for a major paradigm shift in how we think about children. They are too intensely loved by God to be left behind or left to chance. Children belong to all of us and we are compelled to intervene on their behalf. We must invest in children- all around the world. So I challenge you now to think about the children and teenagers God has put in your path. How can you invest in them today?

Dr. Stafford says “He’s learned that “poverty and abuse speak the same language- a message that says “you don’t matter. Give up! Both are completely opposite to the wonderful message of the gospel, which says” you DO matter. You are of immeasurable value. You are deeply loved by God himself.” People of all ages and races need to hear that good news and see if lived out through God’s people- us!

Dr. Kathy Koch, a popular speaker and author on working with children says “love well the children you love” Take a moment and think about that. “LOVE WELL THE CHILDREN YOU LOVE” I think that can be applied to people of any age. Are we loving those around us WELL? What does that look like for you?  

If we did truly love others well, what difference would it make- in homes? in schools? in cities? in states, in nations? in the world? Until the time Jesus returns, I pray that he will use me to change the world by loving him and loving others of every age around me well.

Update:

I wrote these words a few weeks ago, and shared them in our service on May 8th. Maybe not your typical encouraging Mother's Day devotion, but it was what God put on my heart. I needed to go back and re-read these words today. I saw another article this morning that tore me up inside, you can find it here, http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/05/into-iraq about the situation in Iraq. Tears were streaming down my face as I read. As a mother of two girls.... it's hard to put words to the horror. And yet there is HOPE. I'm asking God today to use me to love others however I can. Let's wage LOVE. Let's LOVE WELL!

Truth Before Opinion (a.k.a. Faith Before Facebook)

A huge unexpected blessing in our family's relationships: my husband Chad works from home. The girls and I love having him around, and he's patient with us. Through the years we've learned some ins and outs: we don't shower in the bathroom directly above his office when he's on Skype calls and he does his best to walk away from the computer at dinner time. His presence enables us to chat for a few minutes off and on through the day and sometimes he and I are able to sit down for lunch together. We both love a good intellectual discussion; current events, faith, parenting, whatever is on our minds. At the end of an especially windy lunch talk, one of us will often jokingly announce that we've just solved all the world's problems. If only! Both of us highly value quality time together, so it's been neat to see how God has used this simple pattern in our daily life to grow our marriage.

That said, as I've gotten older I've become increasingly aware that I need some space in the mornings. With kids, this can be a challenge, as I'm not an especially early riser. In my perfect world, I'd have exercised, dressed, had a quiet time and breakfast made by the time anyone else is up. Rarely are those days reality. Typically by the time the hustle and bustle of getting everyone on the bus (with healthy lunches, somewhat coordinating clothes, signed homework returned and hopefully brushed teeth) I'm ready for a bit of solitude. I've found this is the best time of day for me to curl up on the couch with my Bible to read and pray. PEACE. I need this foundation. My desire for quality time with other people will come later, but first I have to prioritize my relationship with God.

This morning as soon as the front door closed behind our children, my sweet husband was ready for an intellectual discussion. I was not. He'd been on Facebook, and had read a few opinionated articles about the hot topic of the day. A bit amped up, he was ready to dive right in. As sweetly as I could, while stirring my coffee, I said "no debates yet." But he needed to get some of it off his chest. After hearing him out for a few minutes, but really not responding beyond some head nods and smiles, he'd said his peace and wandered back to his office. After 17 years of marriage, you do learn to read your spouse's non-verbal cues. I grabbed my lukewarm coffee and headed to my spot on the couch, Bible in hand. 

Recently I've been reading through the gospels. I started with John and and am now reading Matthew. Matthew has a special place in my heart because it's the first book I studied as a Bible quizzer in 7th grade. I love reading verses I memorized 20 some years ago and still knowing them word for word. This morning I was reading Matthew 9. It chronicles Jesus healing a paralyzed man, calling Matthew to follow Him, eating with Matthew and his tax collector/sinner friends at his house, answering questions from the Pharisees about fasting, healing a bleeding woman, restoring a girl life, healing the blind and mute. Teaching, healing, drawing people to him. The end of the chapter closes with a favorite verse, which became my main prayer "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into the harvest field." (Matthew 9:38) A great reminder. The harvest was plentiful then, it's plentiful now. Our world today is certainly still in great need of healing. A 60 second review of the day's Facebook posts will quickly confirm that fact.

Not wanting my husband to feel completely abandoned from our earlier lack of conversation, I made my way down to his office. After some prayer and contemplation, I knew what I needed to say. "I need truth before opinion." At the start of the day, I want to hear from God before I hear from the rest of the world. "Wow," he said, "that's good, Honey. I get it." He shows me grace, this husband of mine.

This is by no means a new idea: beginning the day with Bible reading and conversation with God. Yet in our fast paced, always-on world, in my own life this can easily fall by the wayside. I'm not alone. Did you know that 80% of 18-44 year-olds check their smart phones within 15 minutes of waking up in the morning (http://www.adweek.com/socialtimes/smartphones/480485 )? Yikes! I saw a friend post recently, yes, most likely on Facebook, that it was her goal to crack open her Bible in the morning before opening Facebook. It resonated with me, and after this morning's conversation with my hubby, it did with him too.  I definitely want to be grounded in the truth of God's word and be reminded of the ultimate purpose for my one short life before reading the debate du jour or seeing who's invited me to play Candy Crush Saga. Even those photos of smiling friends, prayer requests and positive updates can wait.

My new challenge? Putting faith before Facebook in my daily schedule. If this makes sense to you, I challenge you to try it with me! My phone in and of itself isn't evil, but I'm all too aware of how quickly I turn it on and get sucked into distraction, sometimes even frustration. As I've matured in my faith, I've realized God has created this desire in me for some morning solitude help me prioritize quality time with Him. I can do my part by minimizing distractions, especially the digital ones! Can you relate? What distractions might God be asking you to minimize so you can hear Him first? 

Stare at God

Typically in these Faith@Home moments I share ideas, tips or resources for living out faith at home. But today I want to do something a little different….

Some from the Faithful Families small group recently started a book study called “You and Me Forever, Marriage in Light of Eternity” by Frances and Lisa Chan. I'd like to share a few thoughts from that book with you today.

We’ve quickly realized this book is different. Rather than starting off with brass tacks information about how to communicate with your spouse, or recommending more date nights, they plunge into deep waters about prioritizing our eternal relationship with the Creator of all things above our earthly relationships, even our marriages. Frances writes, “when two people are right with Him, they will be right with each other. As a pastor for over 20 years, I have come to the conclusion that most marriage problems are not really marriage problems. They are God problems”. I think this extends to all relationships, doesn’t it?

Our lack of intimacy with God causes a void that we try to fill with the frailest of substitutes. Like wealth or pleasure. Like fame or respect. Like people. Like marriage. Think of all the awards, promotions, accolades, and accomplishments you would love to receive in your lifetime. Could anything be better than one day hearing our master say, as written Matthew 25:23 “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little. I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.” That day is coming. Do we ever envision what it will be like to hear those words?

One of the solutions the Chan’s propose to changing our perspective and taking the focus off ourselves is to stare at God. I realize this is not a new concept for most of us. However, we can ALL use the reminder. When we actually stop and take time to look at Him, worship and meditate on what we know of Him, everything else fades into its proper place, including our attitudes, priorities and relationships with others. Through prayer, reading the Bible, and taking time out to just pause and ponder who we’re really talking to, we develop a healthy fear of Him and a perspective that is focused more on eternity than our temporary circumstances. Frances says, “people accuse me of going overboard in preparing for my first ten million years in eternity. In my opinion, people go overboard in worrying about their last ten years on earth.”

I don’t know where you are in your relationships today, whether things are going smoothly or you’re struggling... We all need moments in the day to stop and “stare at God” to make sure we’re not spending our time staring at lesser things. Namely, ourselves.

Chapters 4-5 of Revelation give us a picture of what worship in Heaven looks like, surrounding the throne of God. Pondering that seems a good place to start. I encourage you to go read those verses this afternoon to either learn or refresh your memory. Seeds Family Worship www.seedsfamilyworship.com is a group that takes scripture and makes it singable for all ages. I’m going to play for you their take on Revelation 7:10&12, words of praise spoken in Heaven. As we listen, let’s look at an amazing photograph of nebulae taken by the Hubble telescope. I think this photo might give us the tiniest peek of the rainbow surrounding God’s throne. As you look and listen, take a moment to gaze at God and ponder his magnificence. Also, I hope that this week as you’re tempted to think about yourself and short term circumstances- and certainly we all will be- that this will be a reminder to stop and “stare at God.”

Tangled

It’s not often that I’m tempted to steal my 9 year old’s Christmas presents, but this year she received one that captured my imagination. This art kit:

Tangle Art book cover

I put it away, but thought “hmmm…. When she pulls this out, I may have to do it with her”. Something about the way the lines graced the page, and the intricacy of the sketches really appealed to me.

Drawing was something I enjoyed doing a lot when I was younger. Really, art projects in general. As I got older, sadly, other things have crowded it out. Everyday things, like going to college and getting a job. Emptying the dishwasher, taking care of my family, work. I’ve noted in the past few years that it’s gotten harder and harder to stop and just have fun. Sometimes that fun I'm abandoning is creating. Somehow it feels frivolous, and that I should be doing something “productive” with my time. I love to travel, and I think part of that is rooted in the desire to just get away from the everyday, to truly relax and play. My everyday life is good, it really is. But I do know that I need to do a better job of allowing myself to stop and truly enjoy relaxation. For me, becoming more serious about Sabbath rest has been a great step in this direction. Stepping away from the distractions of e-mail and Facebook once a week is eye opening. To take it a step further though, sometimes I need to make the choice to just have FUN!

Enter a sick day. Our sweet 9 year old was feeling pretty puny. She’d hit that point of being sick where you’re feeling a little better, but not well, and the boredom is creeping in. Then I remembered the art kit. Ah ha! She loves art, and sketching is something we could do together. Rather than spend the time sanitizing the house, I mentally gave myself permission to have a little fun with my kiddo, and we pulled out the kit.

As soon as my perfect, fine tipped pen hit the paper, it felt like something inside was waking up. Soon I was lost in my sketch. “I love to do this!” I remembered. I know it sounds a bit strange, but doodling tiny, intricate designs has always been something I’ve enjoyed. Here was a tutorial on how to do it!

Tangle art sketch 1

And then it hit me. God created me this way, to express myself like this and find enjoyment in it. Even though it may just only ever be a fun little hobby to help me relax, it connects me to Him. I’m reading the book of John as a part of my daily devotions. This morning I came across a note about lessons we can learn from John’s life. When God changes a life he does not take away personality characteristics. Instead, He puts them to effective use in His service. I’m pretty sure He can use small things, just like this. Only He knows how!

Tangle art sketch 2

As I’m drawing, I appreciate God's creativity, His creation and care for the tiniest details in life. One way I’ve always enjoyed worshipping Him is to think about how very complicated the natural world around us is. I look at a bush in my backyard. It’s frozen now, but in a few months buds will develop and break out in beautiful pink flowers. I could spend my entire life trying to design something of equal magnitude- a “simple” backyard plant- and never be able to rival what God created. Then I think about my yard: the grass, the trees, the varieties of flowers. I couldn’t create a single one, let alone a quarter of an acre of masterpieces that somehow wake up and work in concert to bloom in perfect timing each year. I am in awe of the design that went into just what I can view from my kitchen window. Multiply that exponentially in creation and my mind is blown.  We are so, so tiny. And yet He loves us more than we can imagine.

Flower in our backyard- Chad Olson 2014

So for now, I’ve taken up drawing “tangles”. They help me relax. They help me have fun (and yes, last night I walked away from the dishes to draw a tangle)! They help me appreciate the God who planted a tiny seed of His creativity in me. 

"I'm lost without your creative spark in me" Photo from Rend Collective, Alyssa Luzaich

What seed did God plant in you that you may have forgotten about? We all have different gifts! You may be looking at the Tangle Art book thinking I’m a little crazy. My brother-in-law recently encouraged the gift of music in my sister. She’s always been talented in this area. He gave her a ukelele of all things. If someone gave me a ukelele, I’d still be staring at it. But she loves it! Her family is having a blast strumming and singing along to it together. I only have to watch a little video she recorded with her daughter to know that it makes her happy. It’s helping her relax, have fun and use her God given ability in a way only she can.

So go grab your ukelele, your felt tipped pen, or whatever it is that sparks that creativity God has put in your heart and mind. If you have to blow off several layers of dust, so be it! Let Him cultivate something beautiful in you that creates joy. After all, it reflects Him!

A Father's Love

Last fall, my friend Emily Climaco asked me to write a piece on my career change to ministry for Between the Lines, a quarterly inspirational magazine for women that she edits. The theme for the issue was love. What an intimidating honor! Since our fun filled days as wig wearing, lip synching, attic living college roommates, Emily has gone on to become Dr. Climaco, with a degree in English. Some how she manages to be brilliant and totally approachable at the same time, and blogs beautifully on everyday life with a dash of poetry at http://www.commonplacesoil.com.  In honor of my dad's birthday, it's time to share here the article I wrote at Emily's request. This originally appeared in the Fall 2013 edition of Between the Lines:

A Father's Love

Wrapping my head around the idea of a loving heavenly father was never much of a stretch for me. My imperfect earthly dad did his best to love my family and live out his Christian faith at home. Most nights of my youth, he corralled us squirrely kids into the living room for family devotions and prayer before bed. Now that I’m a parent, I realize what an act of love and discipline that was! All through college, he sent me a weekly handwritten letter, complete with the Sunday funnies from our hometown newspaper. It felt like a hug from home. Love in an envelope.

After college, through a variety of God-orchestrated circumstances, my new husband and I found ourselves back in my hometown, me with the opportunity to work as my dad’s assistant in his successful financial planning business. Over the course of 10 years, we worked hard and had a great time in the office together. With my training and experience, I was poised to eventually carry on the practice when he retired. From an earthly perspective, I could not have asked for a better career situation, and my dad was pleased with the arrangement too. Having the daughter he raised and trained carry on with the business he worked so hard to build.

Except my heavenly father had something else in mind for me.  For years, as my dad and I would discuss my career and the future of the business, that still small voice kept whispering to trust God, and that maybe this wasn’t where I would spend my entire career. The call for change came about three years ago, after much prayer and contemplation. Paul uses a phrase in Colossians, “Christ’s love compels us”, and I think that’s the best way to describe my calling. I felt compelled to take up a career in ministry because of my love for God. There were days that I would find myself quoting Proverbs 3:5-6 over and over, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight” (NIV).  I truly wanted God to make my career path straight, but had no idea what that meant in practical terms.

So when the day came, what was my dad’s response when I told him that I was leaving my financial career, the one he had spent 10 years training me for, to take a giant leap of faith? He said, “It would be pretty selfish for us to raise you to love God above all and follow him, and then not want you to respond to his call on your life”.  Wow. His mature response not only showed his love for me, but also his love for his heavenly father, the one he helped lead me to.

Oh, and that new career God had in mind for me? He opened a door at our church that hadn’t existed before. Now I work with families to build faith and live it out in their homes. In retrospect, my dad trained me for my career after all. In fact, he’s been at it for over 30 years.

Successful Parenting?

Our society is fueled by success, so what pops into your mind when I ask what makes a “successful” Christian parent? It’s a loaded question, right? For those of us who are parents, I have a feeling that as we talk about passing on faith to the next generation, it can be easy for feelings of guilt and failure to creep in. What if there is not peace at home? What if your children are away from the Lord? What if family devotions aren’t a part of the routine? Are you a success or failure as a Christian parent? There are so many expectations, and the questions can go on and on.

I recently had the privilege of attending the Hearts at Home conference for moms (www.heartsathome.org). One session I sat in on was lead by author and mom Leslie Leyland Fields. From her experiences, she has written a book titled “Parenting is Your Highest Calling’ and 8 Other Myths That Trap Us In Worry and Guilt.” http://amzn.com/  

She was a great speaker. I wanted all of you to be able to hear her presentation, so a copy of her talk, plus many others are on CD in the Faith@Home center – you can check them out.

The session I attended was titled “Successful” Parenting or Faithful Parenting?” She talked about how God does not call us to be “successful” parents, but faithful parents. She believes that a lot of us buy into the myth that if we are successful as Christian parents, if we do our jobs correctly, and teach our kids all the right things, we’ll turn out perfect Christian children. It seems logical, right?

Many of you are probably familiar with this verse:

Excellent advice for any parent, and wise words for us to follow. But we need to keep in mind, that verse is a proverb (a wise saying) not a promise from God. Our actions and training alone cannot guarantee an eternal outcome for our children. Think about it- those words were written by King Solomon- the wisest man who ever lived. Do you think he was trained, and knew the right way to go? Of course he did- better than anyone! But by the end of his life, even he made choices that led him off track. Remember, no matter how much training they receive from us, our children have free will!

God himself had (and has!) some pretty rebellious children. Throughout the Old Testament he sent prophets to speak to them on his behalf. One in particular who was called to a difficult situation was Ezekiel. He certainly would not be called a “success” by our standards- people did not want to listen to him. God responded to the adversity Ezekiel faced not by making his job easier, but by making him stronger. Let’s listen to what God said to him (this is from Ezekiel 2:4-5): “The people to whom I am sending you are obstinate and stubborn. Say to them, ‘this is what the Soverign Lord says.’ And whether they listen, or fail to listen, for they are a rebellious house, they will know that a prophet has been among them.”

We might not be prophets, and we can’t control our children’s hearts. But we do want them to know that a man or woman of God has been at home with them, whether they ultimately choose to listen or not. 

So what is our job? Remember the Deuteronomy 6:5 verse? For all of us, our most important job is to “Love the lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength,” and to be faithful in our relationships with the Lord. For those of us who are parents, I am confident that if we are in line with him, he will strengthen us- give us the wisdom, the desire, and creativity to connect with our children, and help us train them up in the way they should go. But the spiritual training and discipline needs to start with us in our relationships with him.  

As we approach Easter, in the Faith@Home center we will have some great resources and ideas for everyone to use at home- ways to ponder and share God’s story. But no matter what your walk of life, please remember that your focus should not be on the thing or activity itself, or guilt over whether an activity does or doesn’t get done, but that your actions will flow from your love for God, a desire to know him more, and share that story with others. The Bible itself is our ultimate resource! I encourage you to read the gospel of John, just as a reminder of the story of Jesus’ ministry, death and resurrection. Get that lesson in your own heart so you can share it!  As we’re thinking about SoulShifts, let’s consider another one more– a shift from being “successful” to faithful!